Train is a 2008 film that almost no one has heard of, which is surprising as it has been voted 6 times to be the most disturbing film ever made – you’d think the cult following would tackle this movie to the ground and have its sweet way with it.

It runs short at 96 minutes, but on doing a little research I discovered that it’s because 27 minutes of it were not included, containing ‘sexually explicit acts and disturbing views for almost anyone’, which I now want to see.  Seeing what they left in makes me almost shiver at the thought of what they’d had to cut out – and who could resist such a promise of extreme gore? I also discovered that, at this moment in time, it is on record as the film that has used the most red liquid (for blood) than any other ever made: 87 litres.  Yum.

I would also like to straighten out a rumour the few people who’ve heard of this film have firmly in their heads.  Yes, this film was originally conceived as a remake of Terror Train (1980) but then the script eventually morphed into its own story – so this is no longer a remake… and you know what? It’s easily better.  Yes, there are similarities but… watch it, and see for yourself.  If you liked Terror Train, you’ll like this, and if you didn’t like Terror Train, you’ll still like this, so really, it’s a win-win situation.  Really though, this movie feels more like Hostel, so, if you liked that…? Well, you get the idea.

It is a cast of a few familiar (but-what-do-they-look-like-again?) names, such as Thora Birch, Gideon Emery, Gloria Votsis, Todd Jensen & Koyna Ruseva – mostly unknowns.  It’s refreshing to watch a movie where you’re not thinking ‘oh no, so-and-so-actor is screaming again’, I find you can actually identify more with the characters because you have no idea of what their real names are.  Thora Birch is very convincing, and… well, let me tell you about it instead.  I may struggle a little here, it’s hard to remember it all when you watch it, hidden behind slightly shaking hands, but I’ll do my best.

An American college wrestling team is travelling through Eastern Europe for competitions, but Todd (Derek Magyer), girlfriend Alex (Thora Birch) and a few others miss their train due to a late night of partying and getting slightly lost.  They need to get to Odessa next, and their coach, Harris (Todd Jensen) is not happy they missed it, as one can sympathise – the rest of the team went ahead on their proper train.  Coach Harris is certainly not happy with his assistant, Willy, (Gideon Emery) for joining the others in the first place, and we soon realise the coach is a bit of a twat.  Luckily, he’s the first one to… no, sorry, that would be a spoiler, wouldn’t it?

Through some force of fate, a lovely blonde woman, Dr. Velislava (Koyna Ruseva) tells them of another train that is also going to Odessa, and although alarm bells should be ringing at why she would bother with their coach in the first place, they’re soon drinking, playing Truth or Dare, running naked in the train and, if you’re Willy, giving reason to watch the film by displaying piercings, a tattoo and abs.

Run Gideon RUN

One by one, the unsuspecting athletes disappear until only two of the original six are left trying to figure it all out.  They discover the reason why their friends are being slowly harvested and ripped apart, and I have to say, the reason is quite good in its own way.  It almost makes sense, and it’s different to those movies where the only reason is ‘because they deserved it’.  I won’t say it as I’ve given away too much already, so you’ll just have to watch to find out.

This movie is pretty sick, but it has its charm.  I’m not usually one for these kinds of movies (although my list of ‘watched’ is growing surprisingly long) and I do admit I bought this movie for the single reason of Gideon Emery’s appearance, but I don’t regret watching it at all.  The characters were in the very least believable (where do they get people willing to act in certain roles?), the plot moved fast and true, the soundtrack was surprisingly good and… although it sounds odd to say it, the visuals were well done.

Go see this movie, if you want to be shaken up good and proper.  Go see this movie if you’re into the cult kind of thing.  Or go see it if you want some pretty eye-candy.  Gideon won’t let you down.

Gideon and Thora